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VISITOR
HOW TO BE A FRIEND
The very real value of FRIENDSHIP
should never be under-estimated. We can all look back
on times of crisis, sadness or difficulty when the presence
of a friend has made all the difference in our ability
to cope with the situation. To be a friend to someone
in prison, at the very least, can make them feel better
and at the most, can have a real life changing effect
on them. Those in prison are going through a significant
crisis. It is a time when they very much need a friend.
BEING THERE:- Sometimes just the fact that you have
taken the trouble to go and see someone, that their
name and number has been called for a visit, makes a
tremendous difference. It helps them to feel like a
person of worth. Imagine too what it feels like to be
the one whose name is never called, never has a visit,
never has a letter ˇV there are many many prisoners like
that. If you visit one of them he is taken out of that
neglected group. They now have a relationship with someone
from outside. Someone once said that you are who you
are, in relation with other people. If you have no relationships,
it very much adds to your feeling of being a non-person,
dead, rejected, lonely. Your visit can make the prisoner
feels special ˇV an individual.
ˇ§It is easy to outline the
Prison Visitorˇ¦s role. It is much harder to describe
how he or she can achieve a worthwhile effect. So
much depends on the individualˇ¦s ability to meet
the prisoner on common ground and share his thoughts,
problems, hopes and fears. A successful Prison Visitor
establishes a genuine relationship built on trust
in which the simple act of conversing may be of
real benefit to the prisoner. A Prison Visitorˇ¦s
contribution is thus very different from that of
a chaplain or probation officer whose tasks are
to ensure the well-being of a prisoner and his family.
A Prison Visitor is a friendly representative of
the outside world, reminding the prisoner that he
is not forgotten or rejected, and encouraging him
to think about taking his place in that world on
release.ˇ¨ (National Association of Prison Visitors
ˇV England)
The prison visitor simply gives
the prisoner the chance to form a relationship through
conversation with someone unconnected with authority,
and the prisoner quickly realises that the prison visitor
is someone from outside who, without any strings attached,
is prepared to give up time and take a special interest
in him. Kindness is also somewhat in short supply in
prison. It is very important that you, as a good friend,
be very kind. For the prisoner to experience kindness
and caring helps them to feel again after they may have
become extremely bitter and closed up. Your visit can
help to bring out the best in the prisoner. With other
prisoners and with staff be may not feel like being
as nice as he possibly can be, but with you he often
will feel like that. This is very good for him, to experience
himself being kind, interesting, humourous and polite.
It puts him back in touch with his better self and makes
him feel good. It is said that the main purpose of prison
visiting is to provide a sympathetic ear. This is true,
but sympathy (feeling sorry for the person) is not really
very helpful if openly expressed. If you feel sorry
for someone (which you probably will), and then you
show him that you feel sorry for him, you may end up
by encouraging him to feel sorry for himself. Self-pity
is not a helpful or useful emotion for himself or anyone.
Rather than SYMPATHY it is better to show EMPATHY (putting
yourself in the place of the person and trying to share
what he is going through with them).
ˇ§Prison Visitors have a unique
relationship with prisoners because they are independent
from the organisation of the prison, non-professional
and non-sectarian, with the welfare of the prisoner
being their sole interest. They make no demands
nor set any conditions to their friendshipˇK.No formal
qualifications are required by would-be prison visitors.
Previous experience of social work is not the most
important, nor is social background, ethnic origin,
sex or level of education. What is needed is understanding,
the desire to help others and the ability to reassure
those less fortunate that they are not forgotten
or rejectedˇ¨ (V.J. Alexander H.M. Prison Service.
U.K.)
To be able to arrive at a reasonable
understanding of the prisoner, you must first of all
accept him as an individual, a fellow human being. This
is important because whilst in a prison, the prisoner
easily loses his individuality, and for it to be regained,
your friendship with him will surely open up doors to
self-development.
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